A messy apartment
The sound of snoring
Then the sound of an incredibly annoying ringtone of cats singing
Hudson groggily picks up his phone
We hear a muffled voice on the other end of the phone
The muffled voice continues
The muffled voice protests
Hudson: I said NO!
Hudson hangs up
Hudson groans, gets up out of bed and stumbles in to the bathroom
His phone rings again
Hudson ignores it and stares at himself in the mirror
He’s average looking, not fat, not skinny, not built
His eyes still have layers of bags
Erica pops her head in to the bathroom
Erica: are you going to answer your phone?
Erica: can I change your ringtone?
Erica walks in to Hudson’s room and answers his phone
Erica: it’s Jake
Hudson: tell him I said “no”
Erica: Hudson says “no”
Erica: he wants to…!
Erica: sorry, Jake. He says “no”
Erica hangs up
Erica: wasn’t that a bit mean?
Erica: don’t you think you’re saying that a lot this morning?
Erica: come on! Go see him!
Erica: come on
Erica does her best pouty face
Hudson’s car pulls up to an office building
He pulls out a piece of paper with an address and office number on it
He sighs, crumples the paper up and throws it away
He gets in an elevator
His red flannel shirt stands out amongst the black business suits
Hudson gets off on his floor and walks down the shiny polished hallway to an office
He walks in
Hudson: Jake? Are you in?
The office is empty, apart from two chairs
A man is sitting in one of the chairs
Hudson: I’m sorry…I was after Jake Harrison
Man: the relationship detective? You’re in the right place
Hudson: you’re not Jake Harrison
Man: no. I’m one of his clients
Man: you know…I need his…investigative services
Hudson: and…Jake can provide these services?
Man: it’s what the business card said
Hudson: what card?
The man hands Hudson a card
Card: Jake Harrison: Relationship Detective Service, will solve all your relationship mysteries
Hudson: uh…okay…I’m very sure I’m in the wrong place
Jake Harrison bursts in through the door carrying two cups of coffee
Jake: I’M BACK!
Hudson: Jake?! What the hell?!
Jake: Hudson! Great to see you!
Jake hands the man one of the coffees
Jake: black, two sugars
Man: thank you
Jake sits down in the other seat
Jake: Hudson! Take a seat!
Hudson looks around for a third chair before leaning against the door frame
Jake: fine. Suit yourself
Jake turns to the man
Jake: now…Mister Coleman…where were we?
Coleman: well…I think I need to hire you
Hudson: I need to interrupt quickly
Jake: that’s kind of rude
Hudson: what are you running here?
Jake: it’s like the card says. I’m a relationship detective
Hudson: what does that mean?!
Jake: well…Sherlock Holmes solved murder mysteries, right?
Jake: and House is the medical equivalent who solves medical mysteries
Hudson: I guess…
Jake: well…I solve relationship mysteries
Hudson: so do counselors…
Jake: I’m pretty sure I’m different
Hudson: I’m pretty sure this is a harebrained scheme you thought of a week ago
Jake: I still think it’s a good idea
Hudson: no one is going to hire a relationship detective!
Coleman: uh…I will
Jake: yes. Please continue Mister Coleman
Coleman: well…you see…I had a best friend…her name’s Samantha and I’ve known her for since we went to university together…we were in the same dorm
Jake: and then things got physical between you two?
Hudson: Jake! Inappropriate!
Coleman: actually it’s the opposite! She’s one girl who I’ve never had any interest in…
Jake: because she’s a dog?
Coleman: she’s quite attractive…I just…never thought of her like that. We go paintballing together…she helps me pick up girls…there’s never been an attraction
Jake: and now?
Coleman: well…I woke up a week ago…and all of a sudden I was madly in love with her
Jake: love potion!
Hudson: stop it
Coleman: it was like that though! All of a sudden she was the most beautiful person in the world to me…I wanted to hold her in my arms and never let her go
Jake: pretty sure it was a love potion
Hudson: there’s no such thing
Jake: prove it
Coleman: guys! Can you help me?
Hudson: no! Jake has no training or experience in this! This is an idea he’s going to get bored with in the next few days
Jake: I have lots of experience! I know all about relationships
Hudson: say that to the one-night-stand club
Jake: take you and Erica for instance
Hudson: what about us?
Jake: well…did you know that only two percent of high school sweethearts end up happily married?
Hudson: are you making up statistics?
Jake: nope. It’s a fact
Hudson: please…Mister Coleman…we don’t want to waste your time
Jake: we can solve it
Coleman: thank you. You’re hired
Coleman and Jake shake hands
Coleman: we’ll be in touch
Jake: so my fee is ten million dollars
Coleman chuckles and then leaves
Jake: you know…for some weird reason I think he thought I was joking
Hudson: dude…this is just like the time you tried to make a living out of watching soap operas
Jake: it’s called viral focus testing
Hudson: it’s called watching TV
Jake: come with me Hudson! Together we can solve this case
Hudson: no. I need to get back to my thesis
Jake: your thesis has been done for two months
Hudson: it needs tweaking!
Jake: you’ve been tweaking it for two months…just hand it in
Hudson: it needs to be perfect
Jake: come on! This is going to be fun!
Jake: is that your new favourite word?
Jake: you can only say that so often
Hudson: I’m not coming
Jake: fine. I’m off
Jake walks out
Hudson follows Jake down the hall
Hudson: and you rented office space?
Jake: it’s my new job!
Hudson: this has bad idea written all over it. You can’t afford an office
Jake: so that’s why we need to solve the case! So we can get paid!
Hudson: that’s a terrible plan!
Jake: maybe. I have faith in our skills
Hudson: and you made business cards?
Jake: of course. How else would I promote us?
Hudson: there is no “us” there is just “you”
Jake: we’ll see…
Jake presses the elevator button and the doors open to reveal a cute blonde woman in a business suit
Jake and Hudson get in to the elevator
Jake is eying the blonde
Hudson: Jake…you need to get a real job
Jake: I have a real job. I’m a relationship detective
Hudson: just because you call yourself that, it doesn’t make you a real detective!
Jake: then why do I know that you and Erica aren’t going to work out?
Hudson: I don’t know. Maybe because aside from having the most amazing girlfriend ever, I also have a jealous friend who does ridiculous things
Jake: that’s true…I have done some extreme things to show you that she’s not the one
Jake: but I know this because of my insight as a Relationship Detective
Hudson: stop. Saying. That.
Blonde: so you’re the new guy in the building! I heard about you
Jake: me? Yes! Jake Harrison. Relationship Detective
Hudson: I am so sick of hearing those words together
Blonde: I’m Casey Port…I’m an agent for the stars
Jake: really…is that why I’m seeing that twinkle in your eyes?
Hudson: good lord
Casey: have you ever thought about being a Relationship Detective for a reality TV show?
Jake: that sounds amazing!
Casey: well…take my card
Casey hands Jake a card
Casey: and I’ll be in touch
Jake: thank you, Miss Port
Casey: just call me Casey. Oops. This is my floor
Casey gets off and walks out
Hudson: I…I don’t…what is…uh…
Jake: are you feeling okay?
Hudson: this has been a very odd morning so far
Jake: I love odd mornings! I wish I was having one of them
Hudson walks off towards his car
Jake: where are we going?
Hudson: I’m going back to work on my thesis
Jake: but how’s that going to solve the case?
Hudson: it’s not. I’m not coming
Jake: you’ll miss out on some really cool stuff!
Erica: I think the idea’s kind of cute
Hudson: I think it’s going to get Jake in to trouble
Erica: well at least he’s doing something
Hudson: he’s an intelligent guy- he could do more
Erica: you have such a man-crush on him
Erica: you should do some cases with him
Erica: beats sitting around the apartment all day doing nothing
Hudson: I’m doing my thesis
Erica: that thesis has been done for months
Erica: you might have some fun
Hudson: hah. Doubt it
Hudson’s phone rings again
Erica: I hate that ring tone
Hudson: well here he is again
Hudson answers the phone
Hudson: what is it, Jake?
More muffled voice
Hudson: I said no!
Hudson hangs up
Erica: what did he want?
Hudson pulls his jacket on and grabs his keys
Erica: what happened?
Hudson: Jake needs me to come down to the station to post his bail
Hudson and Jake leave the police station
Jake is about to get in to the front seat of Hudson’s car, but Erica is already there
Jake: I so called shotgun!
Erica: tough. Get in the back
Jake: that’s what she said
Erica rolls her eyes and Jake gets in to the back seat
Erica: so what happened?
Hudson gets in the driver’s seat
Jake: I went to confront the girl my client has fallen in love with
Hudson: please tell me you didn’t accuse her of using a love potion
Hudson: damn it!
Jake: hey. I was just not saying what you didn’t want me to say
Hudson: tell me you didn’t confront her at her home…
Jake: I did not
Hudson: her work…
Jake: well that’s where she was!
Hudson: this is an exact example why you can’t do this job
Jake: are you kidding? You would not believe what I found out
Hudson: don’t care
Jake: her relationship with Coleman was far from platonic. He might not have thought they were more than friends but she has a little shrine dedicated to him in her closet
Erica: how do you know that?
Jake: well my original plan involved hiding in there but then after a while I realized she was at work
Erica: how did you get in to her house?
Hudson: I think I’d rather not know
Jake: seriously. Candles and everything. And from the dust that the shrine had gathered it had been there for a long time
Hudson: so? Maybe she’s been giving him subtle hints and one day it just clicked with him
Jake: maybe. By the way. Where are you going?
Hudson: I’m dropping you home
Jake: scratch that idea…
Hudson: I don’t want to work on the case
Jake: it’s not that. It’s just I moved out of my apartment so I could get the office
Hudson: tell me you’re not sleeping in there
Jake: the air conditioning is amazing
Erica: come live with us for a bit
Erica: you’re not going to let him sleep on the floor
Jake: jeez Erica…give me some credit…I do have a mattress
Erica: oh…that’s good
Hudson: please tell me it’s not the one you found at hard rubbish
Jake: I told you it was a good neighbourhood and I had it thoroughly checked!
Jake: I think this is all the exact reason why I need you two to help me with my cases! Without you guys, how else will I stay out of trouble?
Erica: fine…where do you want us to go?
Hudson: Erica! Please don’t encourage him!
Erica: I imagine he’ll be worse if we don’t help him
Jake: that’s the spirit! To Mister Coleman’s place!
The car pulls up to an apartment building
Jake: wait…so they’re actually sisters?
Erica: twin sisters! But one of them has had plastic surgery
Jake: and which one is the evil one?
Erica: the one who had plastic surgery
Jake: but the one without it is the bitch
Hudson: really? Talking about some TV soap the whole way here?
Erica: Hudson hates the show
Jake: do you hate coolness? It’s only the biggest soap on the box at the moment!
Hudson: if it’s so big then why don’t you know who the twin sisters are?
Jake: I missed the last few weeks! My VCR screwed up!
Erica: it’s okay…I downloaded them
Hudson: okay…why are we here?
Jake: well…I need to check Mister Coleman’s apartment…!
Erica: I thought it sounded fair enough
Hudson: wait for it
Jake: for hexes or curses
Hudson: he’s not going to let you do that
Coleman: sure! Come on in!
Jake, Hudson and Erica walk in to Coleman’s apartment
Coleman: so how is the case going so far?
Jake: I have suspects…
Hudson: you have a single suspect…and no decent evidence
Coleman: you’ve got to hurry! I think it’s getting worse!
Erica: what does that mean?
Coleman: well…Sam and I were passing a jewelry store and she made a joke about getting married…and then…well…I considered it…
Hudson: I’m not sure there’s anything weird about that
Coleman: and the other day…I just…really wanted to kiss her
Hudson: again…not that weird…
Jake puts a hand on Coleman’s shoulder
Jake: it’s okay…I’ll get to the bottom of this…
Jake turns and presses his ear to the wall
Erica: (whispering to Hudson) what’s he doing?
Hudson: (whispering back) if I know Jake…he’s making it up as he goes…
Jake taps the wall
Jake moves further down and then taps again
Jake continues this as all look on, Coleman is quite fascinated, Hudson is embarrassed
Jake taps again
Something taps back
Jake is surprised but taps again
There is a thud against the wall
Jake goes to tap again
Hudson: dude! Stop it!
Voice through the wall: STOP IT! DO YOU KNOW HOW PAPER THIN THESE WALLS ARE YOU BLOODY IDIOT?! I DON’T GIVE A DAMN WHAT YOU’RE DOING! JUST CUT IT OUT!
Coleman: uh…that would be my neighbor…Mister Bradford
Hudson: very high strung
Coleman: I think he’s quitting smoking
Erica: that’s never a fun process
Hudson: but it was totally worth it
Hudson kisses Erica
Hudson: so what next, detective?
Jake: well…I have a few ideas
Hudson: throwing water? Really? That was your big plan?
Jake: it was holy water…if it started to steam then I knew it was a cursed spot
Hudson: and if it doesn’t steam then you got water all over Mister Coleman’s sofa
Jake: we cleaned it up!
Hudson: Erica and I cleaned it up…you were too busy trying to turn on your “third eye”
Jake: it’s a real thing
Hudson: even if it is…you still can’t seem to do it
Jake: fine…it’s all on the learning curve
Hudson: I think the end of the learning curve is you…realizing you aren’t made for this job
Jake: Coleman seems pretty on board
Hudson: Coleman doesn’t know what I know
Jake: and what is that?
Jake: that I’m a screw up?
Hudson: I didn’t say that
Jake: that I haven’t been able to hold down a stable job or complete an undergrad degree?
Hudson: I didn’t say that either
Jake: you didn’t need to
Hudson: don’t guilt trip me!
Jake: damn it
Casey walks past the office and waves
Jake: so hot
Hudson: and that’s you back in to a good mood
Jake: I can solve this case
Jake: I’m going to solve it. And then Casey will get me my own reality show. And then she’ll fall in love with me. And then we’ll have amazing…!
Hudson: okay. Getting a bit ahead of yourself
Jake: I can do this. I just need to sleep on it. Taking a 15 minute power nap!
Jake lies down on his mattress and Hudson heads out
Hudson is about to leave but then has another idea
Hudson heads up to Casey’s office
Hudson knocks on her door
Casey is on her phone but beckons for him to come in
Hudson walks in
Casey: what? No! No that’s not good enough! My client doesn’t fly business class!
Hudson: your phone’s off
Casey: uh…I’ll call you back
Casey presses a button on her phone
Casey: what can I do for you?
Hudson: listen…you offered to represent my friend, Jake Harrison
Casey: the relationship detective? Sure
Hudson: it’s just…I don’t want you to get his hopes up…
Casey: I assure you that all my clients are quite satisfied with my services
Hudson: I don’t doubt that…it’s just…
Hudson: Jake is going through a rough patch in his life right now, and whenever that happens Jake does stupid things…
Casey: like become a relationship detective?
Hudson: and before this it was rabbit trainer…before that a hypnotist, and before that he was an erotic fiction writer
Casey: there is a market for that
Casey: not that I’d know…
Hudson: what I do know is that once Jake gets over this…he’ll get back on his feet, get a stable job and I won’t have to worry that he’s out there somewhere with half a dozen bunnies and a flaming hula hoop
Casey: I see…well…have you ever thought that this new enterprise of his might be him getting back on his feet? This could be his stable job
Hudson: I’ve heard that before
Hudson looks at the wall
Hudson: is this you with Hugh Jackman?
Casey: that…is most definitely a photo featuring me and Mr. Jackman
Hudson: you represented the Boy from Oz?
Hudson: wait…I can see the pixilated lines
Casey: hey! I’ll have you know that once I called Hugh Jackman to offer him my services! He laughed and that’s why I go to counseling…
Hudson: a bit more information than I think I wanted. Are you an actual agent?
Casey: I am!
Hudson: who do you represent?
Casey: well…I represent two hundred and thirteen different actors and actresses… who you have never heard of
Hudson: I see…well…thank you. I’ll be going now
Erica walks in
Erica kicks Jake to wake him up
Erica: are you seriously taking a nap?
Jake: I was
Erica: I came to pick Hudson up and drop you off this
Erica drops a DVD on to Jake
Erica: burnt you those episodes
Jake: great. Thanks
Jake gets up and rubs his head, still groggy
Erica: you know Hudson only wants the best for you, right?
Erica: I’m just justifying the way he’s been acting today
Jake: oh…yeah…I know
Erica: let’s face it. You do not have a great track record
Jake: I know
Erica: but I don’t know…I don’t have a bad feeling about this one…
Erica walks over to the window and stares out at the nice view
Jake: thanks for being so nice to me. I know you know about all the nasty things I say about you to Hudson
Erica: what nasty things?
Erica rolls her eyes
Jake drags over his laptop and puts the DVD in
Jake: you want to watch?
Erica: no time. I’m just here to pick up Hudson
Jake: suit yourself
Jake presses play and puts his headphones in
Erica continues to stare out the window
She fiddles with the ring on her ring finger, looking kind of sad
Jake suddenly gasps – surprising her
Erica: jeez! What?!
Jake: the case!
Erica: what about it?
Jake: I think I just solved it!
Hudson: are you going to explain?
Jake: no time. Just drive
Hudson: what? What did you work out?
Jake: I can’t confirm anything yet
Jake: so. You hate when I can’t confirm something
Hudson: just this once…I’ll make an exception
Jake: no! I’m being a good friend
Jake: just drive
They arrive at Coleman’s house
Jake: so…Coleman was in apartment 12, right?
Jake goes to the garbage bins
Hudson: dude? What are you doing?
Jake opens a bin and begins pulling stuff out of it
Hudson: okay. Stop. One: This is disgusting. Two: you’re in the wrong bin. That’s apartment 13
Jake: is this the wrong bin? Or is it the right one?
Hudson: wouldn’t this bin belong to the angry neighbor?
Hudson: why would cranky guy want to make Coleman fall in love with his high school crush?
Jake: he wouldn’t
Jake empties some papers all over the ground
Hudson: I’m not cleaning this up
Jake rummages around through the papers and grabs some post-it notes
Jake searches through them
Jake: phone numbers!
Hudson: what are you trying to prove?
Jake: do you trust me?
Hudson: good lord…
Jake: do you trust me?
Hudson: kind of…maybe
Jake: it’s a start…
Jake goes to appartment 10’s bin and tips it over too
Jake: how about now?
Jake picks up a trashy magazine and begins flicking through it
Jake: ugh…I am so sick of hearing about Brad and Jennifer
Hudson: please don’t let us get arrested…
Jake: AH HAH!
Hudson: this is another fake-out “ah hah” isn’t it?
Jake: no. I’m pretty sure I’ve found something
Hudson: I don’t believe you
Jake: no. Seriously. You’re going to want to see this
Hudson: I don’t care
Jake: really…this is a game changer!
Hudson: fine…what is it?
Jake: I’ve been putting the wrong time in to my VCR! See! It says here on this TV guide that “Friends and Lovers” is on at 8:30 but I’ve been setting my VCR for 7:30!
Hudson: I hate you
Jake picks up the TV guide, the post-it notes and begins packing up
Jake: I think I have all I need
Hudson: what? WHAT?! I don’t get it!
Jake: meet me back here tonight! Bring Casey! You don’t want to miss this! I’m going to make you proud!
Jake rushes off
Hudson: uh…I…I drove you here…where are you going?
Hudson and Erica arrive back outside Coleman’s apartment building
Casey and another woman are there
Hudson: uh…who’s this?
Casey: she works for the Herald
Hudson: you brought a reporter?
Casey: of course!
Hudson: (muttering to Erica) I hope Jake knows what he’s doing
Jake walks out
Jake: everyone follow me!
Jake walks back in to the building
Jake walks up to apartment 13 and knocks on the door
Hudson: that’s not Coleman’s apartment
Jake: I know!
The angry neighbor opens the door
Angry Neighbor: what do you want?
Jake: (waving his hand like the jedi-mind trick) you do not need to smoke
Hudson: good lord I’m going to need to post his bail again
Neighbor: what do you want?
Jake: you are a calm…independent man…who does not need to smoke
Neighbor goes to slam the door but Jake puts his foot in the way
Jake: I can help you…I once worked as a hypnotist
Neighbor: no! I don’t believe in your hypno-mumbo-jumbo!
Jake: you haven’t even tried!
Neighbor: I have tried it you moron
Jake: but you didn’t fall asleep…
Coleman pops his head out of his apartment
Jake: you didn’t fall asleep but my client did! Deep in a trance!
Jake: but you kicked them out – didn’t you?
Neighbor: they were a waste of time and money!
Jake: you had an appointment at…8:30, right?
Neighbor: stop wasting my time
Jake: wait for it!
Jake’s watch clicks over to 8:30
Jake: sorry…hang on…
Jake: I SAID HANG ON!
The door to apartment 11 opens and there is a teenage girl standing there
Girl: I’m sorry…but could you please keep it down? I’m trying…!
Jake: You are trying to watch “Friends and Lovers”!
Jake: and what’s happening on tonight’s episode?
Girl: uh…Lorenzo and Samantha are still on the run from Samantha’s bounty hunter parents
Hudson: worst show ever!
Jake: Samantha! And what happened during last week’s episode?
Erica: Lorenzo confessed his love for Samantha!
Jake: that’s right! Coleman has paper thin walls! Taking a nap on his couch, Hypno-therapy in one ear – and this in the other!
Jake holds up his phone in the air and presses a button
Phone: oh Samantha…I’ve known you for so long…and every time I see you I realize how much I am madly in love with you. I cannot continue like this! You have to know I love you Samantha. I love you.
Erica: you’re saying that he was hypnotized in to loving Sam?
Jake: BAM! Mister Coleman! That is why you fell in love with your best friend!
Casey and the Reporter both applaud
Girl: can…can I go back to watching?
Jake: sure thing
Girl goes back in to her apartment and shuts the door
The neighbor growls at Jake
Jake takes his foot out of the door
The neighbor slams it shut
Coleman: why don’t we continue this in my apartment?
They all head in to Coleman’s and sit down
Coleman looks very depressed
Coleman: you mean…I don’t actually love her? It was all…me being hypnotized?
Jake: what? No. Even if you’re hypnotized you can’t do anything you wouldn’t normally do…think of it more as the straw that broke the camel’s back
Coleman: oh. Uh…so do you think she likes me?
Erica, Hudson and Jake all glance at each other nervously
Jake: I’d say there’s a pretty good chance
The reporter and Jake are sitting down to have a chat
Hudson, Erica and Casey are watching from afar
Hudson: so he actually pulled it off…
Erica: you shouldn’t sound so surprised…
Casey: yeah…that was some pretty good detective work
Hudson: I’ll believe it when he’s got a few more cases under his belt
Erica: but you’re okay with him continuing?
Hudson: I just don’t want to have to get him out of jail every week…
Erica: I’m sure it won’t be…every week
The reporter finishes interviewing Jake and then beckons to Casey
Casey: well…I’m off. I’ll see you guys later!
Casey and the Reporter leave
Jake walks over to Hudson and Erica
Jake: so? Proud of me?
Erica: he is
Jake: and now that I’ve got my first pay check! I say we go celebrate!
Hudson: I say we set aside the money to start looking for a new place for you to live
Jake: that’s so boring! Coming! Just one drink down at the pub!
Erica: just one
Jake: I…don’t remember inviting you
Jake: hey! I’m an official relationship detective! Trust me when I say that she is a horrible witch who is only going to break your heart!
Erica punches Jake in the arm
Jake: ow! See! Hudson! See!
Erica: and I was the one sticking up for you!
Jake: whatever! I call shotgun!
Jake runs for the car
Erica: no! That car belongs to Hudson and I! You don’t get to call shotgun!
Jake: I totally just did! Shotgun!
Erica: stop it!
Jake: shotgun! Shotgun! Shotgun!
Hudson: here we go…
Let me know what you thought!